‘Tis The Season. My Top 10 favorite Jesus Jokes. Happy Easter Monday

Jesus
Happy Easter Monday everybody. To commemorate the 1,975th anniversary of Jesus’ resurrection (if you’re the type who goes for that sort of thing…) I thought I’d share my 10 favorite Jesus jokes.

1. Why do the ladies love Jesus? Dude was hung like THIS.

2. An Indian man dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates. “Yes, how can I help?” asks St Peter. “I’m here to meet Jesus,” says the Indian man. St Peter looks over his shoulder and shouts, “Jesus, your cab is here!”

3. What’s the difference between the real Jesus and a picture of Jesus? It only takes one nail to hang up the picture.

4. Jesus walks into a motel, gives the innkeeper three giant nails and asks, “Can you please put me up for the night?”

5. Did you know that after the crucification, Jesus pretty much lost his sweet tooth? The M&Ms kept falling through the holes in his hands.

6. What did Jesus say when they removed his hands from the cross? *waves arms frantically* GET THE FEET!!

7. Jesus finds a small crowd who has surrounded a young woman they believed to be a prostitute. They are preparing to stone her to death. To diffuse the situation, Jesus says: “Whoever is without sin among you, let them cast the first stone.” Suddenly, an old lady at the back of the crowd picks up a rock and scores a direct hit on the woman’s head, breaking her skull and rendering her dead on the spot. Jesus frowns and looks over at the old lady: “Do you know, Mother, sometimes you really piss me off.”

8. Why wouldn’t Jesus be good on a hockey team? He’ll get nailed to the boards. That and the illegal headgear.

9. Jesus dies and goes up to Heaven. The first thing he does is look for his father, as he has never met the man before and is curious as to what he looks like, and whether or not Jesus looks like his mother or father, etc. He looks high and low but cannot find him. He asks St. Peter “Where is my father?” But St. Peter says he doesn’t know. He asks the archangel Gabriel “Where is my father?” But Gabriel doesn’t know. He asks John the Baptist “Where is my father?” But John does not know. So he wanders Heaven, impatiently searching. Suddenly he sees out of the mist an old man coming toward him. The man is very old, with white hair, stooped over a little. “Stop!” Jesus yells. “Who are you?” “Oh, please help me, I am an old man in search of my son.” Jesus is very curious. Could this be his father? “Tell me of your son, old man.” “Oh, you would know him if you saw him. Holes in his hand where the nails used to be, he was nailed to a cross, you know…” “Father!!!!!” Screams Jesus. “Pinocchio!!!!!!!” yells the old man.

10. What did Jesus say as he was being crucified? “Ahhhhhhhhhhh…!

Here’s a few honorable mentions. They’re visual jokes so, you know, use your imagination.

Q: How does Jesus masturbate? A: [Mime: place the palm of your hand over your groin, then move your hand away from and towards yourself, as if you were using the hole through your palm.]

Say “What’s this ???” while you hold your palm up to your mouth and make biting gestures. … Jesus biting his nails ….

How much does Jesus love you? *Spread arms and look mopey* This much.

Jesus
That just gave me a huge res-erection.

To paraphrase Bill Hicks: “Yeah I said that joke a month ago and these guys come up to me. ‘hey BUDDY! I don’t think that’s funny. I’m a Christian.’
Bill Hicks shrugs. “Then forgive me…”

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113 Responses to ‘Tis The Season. My Top 10 favorite Jesus Jokes. Happy Easter Monday

  1. Anonymous August 4, 2008 at 2:00 pm #

    I’m Muslim and I was offended by these jokes.

    • Anonymous January 18, 2010 at 10:58 pm #

      You’ll love this one:
      Guy goes into sex shop and asks for an inflatable doll. Assistant asks him whether he wants a Christian one or a Muslim one. Customer asks what’s the difference.

      Assistant explains that you need a pump for the Christian doll, but the Muslim one blows itself up.

    • C April 9, 2013 at 3:57 am #

      I’m a christian and I find this fucking hilarious. If you get offended this easy maybe you shouldn’t be on the internet ;-)

      • Shay July 21, 2013 at 8:20 am #

        You disgust me. Watch your language man, you’re giving the rest of us a bad rep. Thanks.

    • wotdafuk October 30, 2013 at 2:58 pm #

      Ohh shut your hole Mohamed…

    • bob January 29, 2014 at 9:52 am #

      Who cares?

  2. spencer August 5, 2008 at 11:11 am #

    You’re doing it wrong.

  3. me December 2, 2008 at 11:56 pm #

    BAD jokes, NOT cool man, very OFFENSIVE
    it’s not a good idea to make fun of peoples religion, considering alot of people are christian, i dont care if you don’t believe in that kind of thing, you shouldn’t be dissing it and making stupid offensive jokes. I’m not saying you don’t have the right to your opinion, i’m just saying i really don’t like the way you do things, it shows you have no morals

    • Anonymous January 18, 2010 at 10:59 pm #

      religious people need to see how stupid their beliefs are.

    • Thomas Smith October 30, 2010 at 12:47 am #

      come on guys. this is meant to be a joke site. and they have a big disclaimer saying read at your own discretion. and did i mention its supposed to be humor?

      • Thomas Smith October 30, 2010 at 12:55 am #

        you know what? nevermind. im not in this conversation. consider both comments deleted.

    • fucking your mom December 23, 2010 at 6:28 pm #

      if you’re offended don’t fucking read it you fucking idiot

      • anonymous March 23, 2011 at 2:58 am #

        you need salvatoin my brother, and the only way is by recieving jesus as your lord and saver

    • Bailiff Quimby April 10, 2013 at 7:39 am #

      Religious people have the right to believe in stupid things and we have the right to make jokes about it. Both are guaranteed by the first amendment, dude. If they don’t like the jokes, they don’t have to read them, do they?

  4. Dallas VonKillbot December 3, 2008 at 3:57 pm #

    It’s the fucking internet. Get a sense of humor.

  5. SnackPack December 14, 2008 at 1:16 am #

    the best one is…
    Why did jesus die on the cross?

    He forgot the “safe” word

    little s&m joke
    hahaha

  6. bob December 17, 2008 at 6:11 pm #

    Did you hear about the new business Jesus started? Its called
    “Everything on sticks”.

    Why did Jesus cross the road?
    Because he was nailed to the chicken.

  7. Jesus December 18, 2008 at 12:10 pm #

    if you guys dont like jokes about me…. why the fuck did you search it, find it, and read it ????????

    • Moses July 17, 2011 at 7:01 pm #

      You tell em, Jesus.

    • wotdafuk October 30, 2013 at 3:00 pm #

      Jesus is coming…look busy!!!

  8. Dallas VonKillbot December 18, 2008 at 3:03 pm #

    Cuz you’re funny, Jebus!

  9. Lil' Edgar December 18, 2008 at 7:36 pm #

    Some of these jokes are alright, some are downright bad and offensive.

  10. Dallas VonKillbot December 19, 2008 at 3:00 pm #

    Once again, I’m going to reminding the class of rule #1: it’s the fucking internet. Go do a search for the foulest damn thing you can think of, and that’ll only be the start of the horrid damnation you can find on this series of tubes… come to think of it, I wonder if they have Jesus pr0n…

  11. Jim December 27, 2008 at 6:17 pm #

    Boo hoo hoo, crybabies were offended by Jeezus jokes. Go to hell all of you, together with your jeezus, allah and the rest…

  12. FUNNY! January 17, 2009 at 2:03 am #

    Hey “me” (posted on Dec 2). Shut the fuck up! Who cares in christians make up the biggest religious population??? Does that mean they are exempt from all the jokes??? Every other religion has jokes made about them! Shut the fuck up! These are fucking hilarious! If you can’t joke about shit in life, life sucks! This makes life better!

    • Anonymous January 18, 2010 at 11:01 pm #

      Amen!

  13. Kalee March 1, 2009 at 3:34 am #

    I think these jokes are glorious! I was in Iraq bored when one of my military buddies busts out a couple Jesus jokes, I was floored! Didnt know people went there, but i freakin love it!

    People who are just sooooo offended by these jokes just need to relax, pull the stick out of their ass, and perhaps really think about who’s the bigger idiot.

    The guy was full of shit, but whatever. Religious or not, these jokes are so fun and keep them coming!

  14. Kalee March 1, 2009 at 3:36 am #

    oh yeah, “me,” you probably didnt get the memo yet, but santa isnt real either. Sorry.

    • Kasai February 18, 2011 at 9:48 pm #

      For santa if you move the N in the middle and move it to the end you get Satan. lol

  15. Noah April 3, 2009 at 2:56 pm #

    *3. What’s the difference between jesus and a picture of jesus? The picture is real.

  16. SuckDevilDik April 8, 2009 at 6:19 am #

    Call the wambulance for half these naffs, people take religion way too seriously, they jokes get over it.

    • john September 21, 2010 at 6:17 am #

      ok just so you know its not just a religon. its way more than that. and i know plenty of people that would want to stab you if you say something negative about your football team so why is it wrong for someone to be offended by your jokes?

      • anonymous March 7, 2011 at 4:15 pm #

        So what your saying is… religion is a competitive sport.

      • MaltiPur April 26, 2011 at 6:26 am #

        …so what your saying is its right wen sum1 stabs someone over a crack about a football team? :P

  17. clyde April 22, 2009 at 12:47 pm #

    these jokes are truly offensive.
    Keep ‘em coming.

  18. The Real Jesus April 30, 2009 at 7:56 pm #

    These messages have been approved by me… Jesus.

  19. jesus May 1, 2009 at 3:40 pm #

    im not real. make fun of me all you want

  20. Athiest Juggalette June 25, 2009 at 1:42 pm #

    Jesus doesn’t exist. My friend Matt fn loves these jokes!!! I laughed soo hard. GREAT!!! Dead baby jokes are pretty bad to and I was just reading some forums over them, lotsa people, im guessing, googled it and read it, then bitched about it. Why do they do that?

    Jesus must be gay. He got fckn NAILED!

  21. jaaaaake August 6, 2009 at 3:08 pm #

    i thought these were fucking hilarious.
    don’t read em if you’re gonna be an asshurt christian about it. pussies.

  22. Christ September 17, 2009 at 11:48 am #

    Ask me directly.

  23. Lu October 2, 2009 at 9:31 pm #

    You obviously need Jesus…his perfect love, peace and joy. Nothing else compares! When you know him personally, you will be on your knees thanking him for setting you free, not mocking him. There were two men crucified on either side of Jesus – which one are you? One mocked him; no promise of heaven for him (meaning eternal torment in hell). The other said, “Jesus, remember me when you come into your kingdom.” Jesus replied, “Today you will be with me in paradise.” He knew this man had a repentent heart and humbly recognized Jesus’ deity, and was rewarded.

    Thank you Lord Jesus for making a way to heaven by your ultimate sacrifice and victory, giving us hope and strength. Please forgive our sins. Live in our hearts, and may your perfect will be done. May we give you honor and glory each day of these lives you’ve granted us, through our words and actions. Help us to live each day for you, until we are called home to be with you forever in heaven. Amen.

    • Bad Ass Keough December 7, 2009 at 10:29 am #

      Hun, all of this you speak of was just a fairy tail to make you feel better… Why didn’t you mention all of the other stuff from the bible? like Incest, moses trying to sacrafice his child and all that other BS.. The bible obviously contradicts itself. Don’t skip pages.. read the whole thing..

    • Monty Python August 5, 2010 at 9:05 am #

      Give it a rest, preachin’ mofo’s use every chance they get to spread their bullshit.
      There’s no Jesus dipshit, you have a mental virus, seek help at once.
      If God does exist, he is a giant douche and can lick my sweaty left nut, LOL

  24. Eric garcia November 13, 2009 at 11:38 pm #

    Why can jesus walk on water??

    Because shit floats

  25. drew December 16, 2009 at 10:13 pm #

    Why did jesus walk on water?
    – Because shit floats

    Why didn’t jesus wear a tie?
    – Because he didn’t fucking exist

  26. Dave December 22, 2009 at 3:12 pm #

    Lu,
    What a buzzkill you are! How disappointed you’re going to be when you find out dead means dead and you should have laughed at the jokes!

  27. oggit March 31, 2010 at 1:03 am #

    i do really believe,that jesus,would laugh at a funny joke, at his own expence, even a rure one.well i would, but some of that stuff was just not funny,and what side of the bed did jim get out, i ask ya.
    And whats all the non jesusie people doing on here.
    so whats the last thing jesus said on the cross, saye me an easter egg ill be back on sunday.

    • oggit March 31, 2010 at 1:05 am #

      woops save me an easter egg I”ll be back on sunday.

  28. The Englishman April 25, 2010 at 11:21 pm #

    lol ppl are funny i read so much BS lookin for the jokes ppl that are saying jesus wasn’t real you don’t know what u are talkin about he was an actual person. whether he was actually the son of god who am i to say im not religious but dont hate on believers maybe you need somethin to make you feel better.yea thats it but ppl shouldnt post if they dont have a joke to go with it

    Why do all the girls want jesus?

    Cause he’s hung like this ( jesus pose )

  29. fuckjesus June 4, 2010 at 9:48 pm #

    People who go on here and then bitch and moan about these jokes are fuckin retards. Its like someone joining the army and then complaining they have to go to war. You knew what you were in for dipshits we don’t show up at church and complain its to religious. On that note no jesus didn’t exist. The entire story of jesus has been told from virgin birth, his baptism, being betrayed, to being crucified and dead for three days. Horus same thing as mithra, attus analogues to krishna, jesus different name same story all based on ancient egyptian allegory

  30. ADITYA GEORGE August 27, 2010 at 5:48 am #

    YOU SHOULD NOT MAKE FUN OF THE SAVIOR OF THE WHOLE WORLD. IT’S BAD. YOU DON’T KNOW ABOUT THE SERIOUSNESS OF GOD.

    • Betterthanyou March 29, 2011 at 3:56 pm #

      Savior of the whole world? I didnt read one Bill Gates joke on this whole page.

  31. walnut dog October 27, 2010 at 1:56 pm #

    i once fucked jesus in the ass.

    waaaaaaah! stop crying about jesus jokes. are you offended by east bunny jokes too?

  32. joe blow December 11, 2010 at 9:25 pm #

    man walks into a bar and see’s a guy dressed like jesus. curious, he pulls up a barstool and next to him and ordered a drink. he turns to the jesus dude and says to him, hey if you are who i think you are then why dont you heal that old crippled man sitting in the corner, the jesus dude waves his hand in the air and then the guy noticed that the old man was up and going strong. as jesus turned to look at the guy, he jumps back out of his stool and says, hey dude, dont touch me…i get disability.

  33. joe blow December 11, 2010 at 9:30 pm #

    man dies and goes to hell. upon arrival he is met by this really hot chick in a fine ride. they jump in and drive down to downtown hell to have a few drinks. while sitting on the patio, he notices in the distance a plume of smoke rising up from the ground. he asks his guide what that is and she says forget about it. more curious now he insists so she drives him over to see. when they get to the smoke he sees it is a pit of fire with burning bodies and hears screams and it is terrible. he asked his guide what is it and she tells him…its the christians, they prefer it that way.

  34. joe blow December 11, 2010 at 9:32 pm #

    a rabbi, buddist monk and a priest walk into a bar. the bartender turns to them and says….is this a joke.

  35. joe blow December 11, 2010 at 9:34 pm #

    why did jesus turn water into wine?…….Cause jack daniels wasn’t born yet.

  36. joe blow December 11, 2010 at 9:37 pm #

    i saw this on a tee shirt in amsterdam. jesus was smoking a joint and in the background you could see all the apostles. the caption on the shirt said…now i know why their following me.

  37. Bill January 5, 2011 at 6:38 am #

    Here are some of the horrible things that my Christian faith has taught me:

    Serving the poor
    Not judging people
    Showing mercy
    Repenting of my sins
    Being faithful to my wife
    Being a just person
    Being faithful in all my dealings with people
    Loving the arts, good music and all that is beautiful and true

    What has your atheism taught you?

    “Atheism is indeed the most daring of all dogmas . . . for it is the assertion of a universal negative.” GK Chesterton

    • Ross April 25, 2011 at 3:07 pm #

      Athiests just do that anyway because of morales and experience. Your argument fails.

    • EvE July 13, 2011 at 10:38 am #

      I don’t get it. Where’s the punchline?

    • Atheist Lover September 26, 2012 at 3:30 am #

      Actually Bill. I have all those qualities too. I just don’t fuck children.

  38. Bill January 5, 2011 at 6:40 am #

    “If there were no God, there would be no atheists.” Chesterton

    Dear Atheists, What if your wrong? :)

    By the way, I was an atheist for over 2 years. (Did my undergraduate thesis on Nietzsche.) (Have a masters from Princeton — in case you think I am dumb/uneducated).

    • BullDog February 7, 2011 at 10:17 pm #

      I just got my dicked sucked by Jesus!!

    • CB April 19, 2011 at 3:35 am #

      Pity you can’t use the correct ‘you’re’ for your rebuttal then, Mr. I’m So Edumacated.

  39. Cliff Huxtable January 10, 2011 at 8:13 pm #

    Jesus this, Jesus that. …guy got nailed more times than you all have.

  40. Kat January 20, 2011 at 9:02 pm #

    C’mon guys! Lighten up!
    Jesus died for these jokes.

  41. limpy February 18, 2011 at 9:02 am #

    What did Jesus say to St. Peter when he was nailed to the cross?

    I can see your house from here

  42. Kasai February 18, 2011 at 9:54 pm #

    anyone got anymore jesus jokes? im loving this.

  43. Ha1LS8n March 10, 2011 at 6:33 am #

    as a devoted Satanist i’d like to see some good Satan jokes to even the playing field. The christians here who dont like the jesus jokes should avoid the sin of wrath and suffer the ridicule as an test of their faith :) ave Satanas! veni Satanas!

  44. DEVISTATED April 16, 2011 at 12:11 am #

    I THOUGHT THAT THIS WEBSITE WAS ABSOLUTELY HORRIBLE BUT THIS IS EXTREAMLY OFFENSIVE TO EVERY CHRISTIAN I HOPE THE PEOPLE WHO RESPONDED BADLY TO THIS WERE ASHAMED AND THAT GOD AND JESUS HELP U TO GET ONTO THE RIGHT PATH IM NOT TRYING TO MAKE YOU BE A CHRISTIAN IM JUST SAYING TO STOP YOU ALL SHOULD RESPECT JESUS FOR ALL THAT HE HAS DONE FOR YOU AND EVEYONE ELSE ON THIS EARTH!I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN ALL OF U WHO HAVE REPLIED MEANLY ABOUT JESUS AND IT IS REALLY INAPROPRIATE TO USE BAD WORDS THAT WAS ATROCIOUS BY THE WAY THIS IS COMING FROM AN ALMOST TEENAGER NOT A GROWN UP.I AM JUST SSSSSSSSSSSSSSOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO DISAPOINTED THAT SOME OF YOU WOULD MAKE SUCH RUDE COMMENTS ABOUT OUR SAVIOR BY THE WAY NONE OF THESE JOKES ARE EVEN A TAD BIT FUNNY AND ALL OF THE PEOPLE WHO REPLIED BADLY ARE COMPLETE AND TOTAL JERKS I HOPE YOU ARE PROUD OF YOURSELF!:(

    • hipster jack April 24, 2011 at 11:30 am #

      dumb slut^^

    • EvE July 13, 2011 at 10:42 am #

      Honey, Do your parents know you’re searching for Jesus jokes on the internet? There are some pretty grown-up words on this site. Maybe you should check with them first.

    • bob January 29, 2014 at 9:58 am #

      I butt-fucked your savior.

  45. comment April 27, 2011 at 12:46 pm #

    Why was Jesus embarrassed after the soccer game?

    Because he got crossed up.

    Some of these are great but the dude did exist, he just wasn’t, well, magic.

  46. Sage May 8, 2011 at 8:34 pm #

    Sick fuck, its not funny, its very rude pics!!!!!!

  47. Parker May 10, 2011 at 5:00 pm #

    Very offensive…. I cannot believe someone has the nerve to slap God in the face after he voluntarily was crucified for your sins.
    I can only imagine how you treat your mother if you treat a King like this!

    • danyBWR August 1, 2011 at 11:36 am #

      Slap God in the face. :)) F*ck yeah!

  48. small June 26, 2011 at 10:25 am #

    My balls are so hairy.

  49. rully June 28, 2011 at 8:19 pm #

    know it,jesus loves you
    although,you’re just fucking asshole

  50. shyla thomson September 20, 2011 at 1:17 am #

    Fuck u bastards . jesus is the saviour and u fucking men and all the idiots behind this stop your nonsense and if u repeat this dirt work of yours . god will give u a worst punishment for that

  51. Saint November 15, 2011 at 7:20 pm #

    This christian crap has only been around for 2000 years. It’s a new pagan cult. Talk about gods, we should be back worshipping the original gods that have been around for more than 5000 years. And all those gods got along without killing each other to convert. Unlike these new gods christians and Muslims who want everyone to workship them, every 7th day or 5/6 times a day (really insecure gods by the way). And these gods are always asking for money, are they that poor? And these gods want you to live with them, die for them and kill for them. That’s more of a cult following to me. Christians within themselves can’t even see eye to eye. Mormons, Cath, Bap, etc, etc. Same with the Muslims, Sunnis & Shittes, whatever etc. Always killing for your gods, makes it hard for the rest of world to live in peace. If you all knew dead was dead, no afterlife prize. You might take life more serious and stop the killing and hating.

  52. Saint November 15, 2011 at 7:22 pm #

    Oh, I forgot to a the joke.

    What do you call a man who dies, but comes back to life. Talking about eating his flesh and drinking his blood.
    I would call him a zombie, Christians would call him Jesus.

  53. Just a guy January 6, 2012 at 5:55 pm #

    Wow.. Ignorance abounds. If you are going to be an atheist, fine. But don’t just go parotting the garbage some of these “new” atheists are saying. Their arguments have been laid to rest several times but they keep using them because of there superficial value. Any historian worth the title would not possibly make the claim that Jesus existed. We have more conclusive proof of the existence of Christ than we do of Julius Ceasar, but nobody seems to notice that…. And the resurrection of Christ will never have physical, tangible, irrefutable proof; thus the debate rages on.. Point and counterpoint again and again. But aside from the “tangible” evidence, reason and logic come onto play. If Christ did not rise, where is his body? The Romans certaintly would not have moved it, because Christ said he would rise, and I’d the body were to go missing, the “delusional” followers of Christ would have assumed he had risen. The contemporaries of Christ recorded the events as they unfolded, in the new testament. If they lied, others would have known and condemned them. Several third party sources confirm the existence of Christ. Why would so many people have allowed themselves to be tortured and executed for a lie? They believes what they saw with their own eyes, and believed it enough to die for it. To ask for more proof Is unnecessary and illogical.

    • Philip Porter April 7, 2012 at 4:20 pm #

      I’m interested as to where you get your “factual” information from. I am a historian and while someone like Jesus certainly existed so did many other ‘prophets’ from the day. As a matter of fact there were hundreds. The major split between Christianity and Judaism occured due to a disagreement on the divinity of multiple saviours. How can a group of people who believe in exactly the same god and exactly the same prophets disagree on such a fundamental idealogical level? And more conclusive proof of the existence of Christ than that of Caeser? That is one of the most deluded mis-conceptions that I have ever come across. The majority of the evidence of the existence of Jesus is derived from biblical scripture. Now I know that it is a common argument that the bible must be considered relevant as it is a historical text and was written at the time these events occurred. However that does not make it true. If that is your argument then why will you not also accept the fundamental truths of Judaism, Islam, Bhuddism, or Paganism? Why is it that recorded Greek and Roman history is ‘mythology’ whereas recorded Christian history is purely factual. Christians are notorious for blindly accepting one side of the story without giving any credence to any other notion. You say people were willing to die for something and that this should be proof enough of the existence of your god. I’ll let you think about that for a while and if you’re still struggling to see the error in logic, I hope you have a wonderful Easter.

      • Vast Awake April 10, 2012 at 12:34 am #

        I agree. There is little if ANY factual historical evidence to support the story of a Man named Jesus. The Son of God actually refers to the SUN in our sky and Easter is the rising of the SUN after a long winter (the season associated with death). Do you ever wonder why Easter is not on the same day every year? It’s because the day changes according to the spring equinox each year when the SUN (Jesus) if you will rises 1 degree in the Western Hemisphere. The cross that Christians boldly parade around represents the Southern Cross of the Zodiac calendar. Most biblical stories are allegorical in nature and refer to astronomical & celestial events. The bible is an amazing book and when related to astronomical and celestial events, it tends to be less about faith in things that don’t quite make sense, and more about a road map for human evolution: past, present & future). Do some research on the true meanings of the Bible and you will find that the King James version of the Bible (or derivatives of it) that are so widely regarded by many Christians today as the Word of God, was concocted as a control mechanism. It was purposely mistranslated & perverts the true meanings of a large amount of the actual Hebrew text that the accounts were derived from. Also, it is interesting to note that the Jesus Christ mythological allegory is present in many cultures before Christian times including India (Krishna) and especially in Egypt. One example that should not astound anyone who is paying attention is that the Christians still pay hommage to the Egyptian Sun God at the end of every prayer they invoke? AMEN (RA)… get it? Many of the pagan rituals used in Christian Easter ceremonies were taken from other sun worshipping cults, yet most Christians of today just accept what they are told by their overlords (priests, nuns, bishops, cardinals, popes) instead of looking into the facts of where this mythology comes from & comparing this to the real translations of the Hebrew texts. The story of Jesus is NOT about some guy. The 2nd coming is about attaining Christ Consciousness… it’s about waking up to the realization of who you really are… Not hoping someone/something else will save you/us. But hey, I still enjoy chocolate & Easter bunnies. So, let’s stop killing each other and share a laugh… for true Enlightenment = Lightening Up!

      • Jesus liked dick? June 9, 2012 at 2:17 pm #

        actually, the writtings in the new test. were not written at the time they were taking place. John’s test. was written just before he died, about 71 years after the supposed death of Jesus… there were more than the 4 test. the reason only these four were incorporated into the nest test. was because they were in keeping with the direction the Roman church wanted to promote about Jesus. the test.s that were not included (about 6 others) did not conform to the churches story about Jesus….. Also, one must remember that the ‘church’ was not so much a religious orginazation… it was a absolute monarchy…exactly as it is today… the last absolute monarchy in existance. It’s political…not religious. only uses religion as a means of control… as it always did when it filled the political void when the western roman empire fell.

    • bob January 29, 2014 at 10:04 am #

      when you can understand why you dismiss allah, zeus, apollo or the tooth fairy as ‘gods’, you’ll understand why atheists dismiss yours.

  54. Just a guy January 6, 2012 at 5:57 pm #

    Ahem *Any atheist worth the title would never make the claim that Christ did NOT exist.

    • Curtis March 18, 2012 at 1:33 am #

      Historical facts seem to point out that jesus most likely didn’t exist.

      • sophie April 2, 2012 at 8:41 am #

        actually.. its scientificly proven that he did exist.. although he never had any powers, and was obviously not the son of god. also he came from israel so he would have had dark skin, hair and eyes.

      • Al April 4, 2012 at 10:11 am #

        OK, that just might be the dumbest thing ever said. You don’t have to believe He is God but to say he never existed? UMM We date time after the His birth. Did we all really get it wrong? But, if you believe there is no God He can’t make demands on our life so you avoid the God question. Wimpy way out my friend

  55. roberta johnson January 27, 2012 at 3:18 pm #

    I feel your jokes are crass at best and some are blasphemous. I guess you don’t believe in Jesus but there ARE MANY of us who do. I know you feel that it’s your 1st. amendment right to say or do what you want. I wonder if it was something or someone that you held in esteem and loved dearly, would you appreciate the crass or crude jokes being made.

    • Ryan April 16, 2012 at 2:49 pm #

      I dont understand why you choose to believe in a person that NO ONE has ever seen, heard, or touched the only “proof” you have is the bible, you believe it because the bible says it? then why dont you believe that any of the other 5 million books ever written? why isnt Snow White your god? or Frotto or hell! why not pinocchio?

    • TomFoolery May 24, 2012 at 2:23 am #

      Roberta, do you know how many times i hafta listen to the “you need jesus or else you’re going to hell” speech? do you think that reading one or two jokes is comparable to people telling me that i’m going to die in hellfire the rest of my life? even if i am, at least i have a sense of humor about it!

  56. Tanyaaa February 6, 2012 at 8:37 am #

    the jokes were shit anyway.

  57. chris February 9, 2012 at 7:10 am #

    to all you diehard christians, if you dont find these funny, then why would you go looking for or click on a page titled “top 10 favorite jesus jokes”?

  58. 5th grader student March 26, 2012 at 10:09 am #

    I understand that every one had a right to makecomment but you did this,with the intention of getting attention. Which it shows the kind of character you are. character, AN INSECURE human being, who needs to make fun of others or create chaos tofeel accepted. I did a search for ” Monday jokes” for a school proyect. So I WAS NOT looking for “Jesus jokes”.

    • 4th grader April 7, 2012 at 6:21 pm #

      You 5th graders think you’re hot shit telling us 4th graders what to think. Lighten up. Has anyone told you yet about Santa Claus?

      • 12th grader April 23, 2012 at 7:10 am #

        maybe you should learn how to spell. also i personally do not believe that there is a god. i belieave n facts, and i have yet to see any proof besides a book that some idiot could have written and said it was by “God”

      • amanda May 21, 2012 at 12:10 pm #

        I agree with 12th -grader, although if you are going to judge someone else’s spelling, you need to double-check yours before posting!
        b-e-l-i-e-v-e.

  59. Jaytee May 14, 2012 at 3:13 pm #

    People definitely need to lighten up a bit. Typical tight wad christians. Yea, your “god” or “king” is very powerful I’m sure. But for those of us who don’t live our lives by “the book”, we are entitled to our own opinions. If these jokes offended you then you shouldn’t have googled “offensive Jesus jokes”.

  60. Madi May 16, 2012 at 12:12 pm #

    Thats not funny!

  61. amanda May 21, 2012 at 12:13 pm #

    My favorite:

    JESUS SAVES

    (By clipping coupons and shopping wisely)

  62. Jesus liked dick? June 9, 2012 at 1:52 pm #

    Maybe Jesus was Gay…..after all he did live amongst 12 young men… a lot younger than he was. Jesus was about 32, 33 years old, supposedly, and the deciples were: 4 of them were in their early to mid 20s , Peter about 28, and the other 7 were teenagers. two of these were about 12 or 13 years old (the twins)… so why would a 33 year old man be hanging around teenagers…. and why would they be so interested in him…maybe Jesus had a really big dick and knew how to use it!… and the Judas/Jesus story sounds more like the old ‘lover scorned’ story. Lover get his feelings hurt by his liver… becomesw angry, wants revenge, goes to police with concocted story, betrays lover, has him arrested, has remorse, but too late, justice has already taken it’s tole…scorned lover hangs himself… story is too nice & neat…. come on…Jesus was a gay prostitute… and mary M. and the virgin Mary probably were fag hags…

  63. Sharon October 30, 2012 at 4:59 am #

    Bloody morons whoever wrote and made these pictures

  64. john salvator November 16, 2012 at 10:19 pm #

    Christianity gives us life security and health and wealth and education and easy homes and food and drinks and culture and all ease of lif so we should control ourselves from posting such ignorance as we see above

    • kyle May 9, 2013 at 8:34 am #

      “noah”, jesus was proven to be real, his miracles, are your choice to believe or not, but just because you dont, it doesnt mean you have to make fun of those who do! and why should peoples searches be limited and “get off the internet”? everyone is equal!

  65. kyle May 9, 2013 at 8:41 am #

    and yes the jokes were not in the slightest way funny, a 3 year old could come with better!
    and for those who are saying “why did christians click on this page?”, its probably to tell idiots like you to shut up, and no, im an athiest

  66. dodong escobar July 3, 2013 at 10:18 am #

    I just didn’t think they were funny.

  67. DarqBeauty October 26, 2013 at 3:24 pm #

    I feel bad for some of these people. They won’t be laughing when they see how real He is.

  68. Satan's Son November 12, 2013 at 8:59 am #

    “I’m just like Jesus,
    but I just don’t have the class;
    ‘Cause I only turn the wine
    into water that I pass…”

  69. Lucy fernanda January 8, 2014 at 12:38 am #

    Noah,,
    I think that is
    THE BEST joke on this site!

    Jajaja, HALARIOUS!

    xD

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