Happy Easter Monday everybody. To commemorate the 1,975th anniversary of Jesus’ resurrection (if you’re the type who goes for that sort of thing…) I thought I’d share my 10 favorite Jesus jokes.
1. Why do the ladies love Jesus? Dude was hung like THIS.
2. An Indian man dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates. “Yes, how can I help?” asks St Peter. “I’m here to meet Jesus,” says the Indian man. St Peter looks over his shoulder and shouts, “Jesus, your cab is here!”
3. What’s the difference between the real Jesus and a picture of Jesus? It only takes one nail to hang up the picture.
4. Jesus walks into a motel, gives the innkeeper three giant nails and asks, “Can you please put me up for the night?”
5. Did you know that after the crucification, Jesus pretty much lost his sweet tooth? The M&Ms kept falling through the holes in his hands.
6. What did Jesus say when they removed his hands from the cross? *waves arms frantically* GET THE FEET!!
7. Jesus finds a small crowd who has surrounded a young woman they believed to be a prostitute. They are preparing to stone her to death. To diffuse the situation, Jesus says: “Whoever is without sin among you, let them cast the first stone.” Suddenly, an old lady at the back of the crowd picks up a rock and scores a direct hit on the woman’s head, breaking her skull and rendering her dead on the spot. Jesus frowns and looks over at the old lady: “Do you know, Mother, sometimes you really piss me off.”
8. Why wouldn’t Jesus be good on a hockey team? He’ll get nailed to the boards. That and the illegal headgear.
9. Jesus dies and goes up to Heaven. The first thing he does is look for his father, as he has never met the man before and is curious as to what he looks like, and whether or not Jesus looks like his mother or father, etc. He looks high and low but cannot find him. He asks St. Peter “Where is my father?” But St. Peter says he doesn’t know. He asks the archangel Gabriel “Where is my father?” But Gabriel doesn’t know. He asks John the Baptist “Where is my father?” But John does not know. So he wanders Heaven, impatiently searching. Suddenly he sees out of the mist an old man coming toward him. The man is very old, with white hair, stooped over a little. “Stop!” Jesus yells. “Who are you?” “Oh, please help me, I am an old man in search of my son.” Jesus is very curious. Could this be his father? “Tell me of your son, old man.” “Oh, you would know him if you saw him. Holes in his hand where the nails used to be, he was nailed to a cross, you know…” “Father!!!!!” Screams Jesus. “Pinocchio!!!!!!!” yells the old man.
10. What did Jesus say as he was being crucified? “Ahhhhhhhhhhh…!”
Here’s a few honorable mentions. They’re visual jokes so, you know, use your imagination.
Q: How does Jesus masturbate? A: [Mime: place the palm of your hand over your groin, then move your hand away from and towards yourself, as if you were using the hole through your palm.]
Say “What’s this ???” while you hold your palm up to your mouth and make biting gestures. … Jesus biting his nails ….
How much does Jesus love you? *Spread arms and look mopey* This much.
That just gave me a huge res-erection.
To paraphrase Bill Hicks: “Yeah I said that joke a month ago and these guys come up to me. ‘hey BUDDY! I don’t think that’s funny. I’m a Christian.’
Bill Hicks shrugs. “Then forgive me…”