‘Tis The Season. My Top 10 favorite Jesus Jokes. Happy Easter Monday
Published on March 24, 2008 by spencer · 101 Comments
Happy Easter Monday everybody. To commemorate the 1,975th anniversary of Jesus’ resurrection (if you’re the type who goes for that sort of thing…) I thought I’d share my 10 favorite Jesus jokes.
1. Why do the ladies love Jesus? Dude was hung like THIS.
2. An Indian man dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates. “Yes, how can I help?” asks St Peter. “I’m here to meet Jesus,” says the Indian man. St Peter looks over his shoulder and shouts, “Jesus, your cab is here!”
3. What’s the difference between the real Jesus and a picture of Jesus? It only takes one nail to hang up the picture.
4. Jesus walks into a motel, gives the innkeeper three giant nails and asks, “Can you please put me up for the night?”
5. Did you know that after the crucification, Jesus pretty much lost his sweet tooth? The M&Ms kept falling through the holes in his hands.
6. What did Jesus say when they removed his hands from the cross? *waves arms frantically* GET THE FEET!!
7. Jesus finds a small crowd who has surrounded a young woman they believed to be a prostitute. They are preparing to stone her to death. To diffuse the situation, Jesus says: “Whoever is without sin among you, let them cast the first stone.” Suddenly, an old lady at the back of the crowd picks up a rock and scores a direct hit on the woman’s head, breaking her skull and rendering her dead on the spot. Jesus frowns and looks over at the old lady: “Do you know, Mother, sometimes you really piss me off.”
8. Why wouldn’t Jesus be good on a hockey team? He’ll get nailed to the boards. That and the illegal headgear.
9. Jesus dies and goes up to Heaven. The first thing he does is look for his father, as he has never met the man before and is curious as to what he looks like, and whether or not Jesus looks like his mother or father, etc. He looks high and low but cannot find him. He asks St. Peter “Where is my father?” But St. Peter says he doesn’t know. He asks the archangel Gabriel “Where is my father?” But Gabriel doesn’t know. He asks John the Baptist “Where is my father?” But John does not know. So he wanders Heaven, impatiently searching. Suddenly he sees out of the mist an old man coming toward him. The man is very old, with white hair, stooped over a little. “Stop!” Jesus yells. “Who are you?” “Oh, please help me, I am an old man in search of my son.” Jesus is very curious. Could this be his father? “Tell me of your son, old man.” “Oh, you would know him if you saw him. Holes in his hand where the nails used to be, he was nailed to a cross, you know…” “Father!!!!!” Screams Jesus. “Pinocchio!!!!!!!” yells the old man.
10. What did Jesus say as he was being crucified? “Ahhhhhhhhhhh…!”
Here’s a few honorable mentions. They’re visual jokes so, you know, use your imagination.
Q: How does Jesus masturbate? A: [Mime: place the palm of your hand over your groin, then move your hand away from and towards yourself, as if you were using the hole through your palm.]
Say “What’s this ???” while you hold your palm up to your mouth and make biting gestures. … Jesus biting his nails ….
How much does Jesus love you? *Spread arms and look mopey* This much.
That just gave me a huge res-erection.
To paraphrase Bill Hicks: “Yeah I said that joke a month ago and these guys come up to me. ‘hey BUDDY! I don’t think that’s funny. I’m a Christian.’
Bill Hicks shrugs. “Then forgive me…”
Tags: easter, evil, Jesus, jesus jokes, joke of the day, mouth sex, nails, offensive, sacreligious, terrible
Readers Comments (101)
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I’m Muslim and I was offended by these jokes.
You’ll love this one:
Guy goes into sex shop and asks for an inflatable doll. Assistant asks him whether he wants a Christian one or a Muslim one. Customer asks what’s the difference.
Assistant explains that you need a pump for the Christian doll, but the Muslim one blows itself up.
I’m a christian and I find this fucking hilarious. If you get offended this easy maybe you shouldn’t be on the internet
You’re doing it wrong.
BAD jokes, NOT cool man, very OFFENSIVE
it’s not a good idea to make fun of peoples religion, considering alot of people are christian, i dont care if you don’t believe in that kind of thing, you shouldn’t be dissing it and making stupid offensive jokes. I’m not saying you don’t have the right to your opinion, i’m just saying i really don’t like the way you do things, it shows you have no morals
religious people need to see how stupid their beliefs are.
come on guys. this is meant to be a joke site. and they have a big disclaimer saying read at your own discretion. and did i mention its supposed to be humor?
you know what? nevermind. im not in this conversation. consider both comments deleted.
if you’re offended don’t fucking read it you fucking idiot
you need salvatoin my brother, and the only way is by recieving jesus as your lord and saver
Religious people have the right to believe in stupid things and we have the right to make jokes about it. Both are guaranteed by the first amendment, dude. If they don’t like the jokes, they don’t have to read them, do they?
It’s the fucking internet. Get a sense of humor.
the best one is…
Why did jesus die on the cross?
He forgot the “safe” word
little s&m joke
hahaha
Did you hear about the new business Jesus started? Its called
“Everything on sticks”.
Why did Jesus cross the road?
Because he was nailed to the chicken.
if you guys dont like jokes about me…. why the fuck did you search it, find it, and read it ????????
You tell em, Jesus.
Cuz you’re funny, Jebus!
Some of these jokes are alright, some are downright bad and offensive.
Once again, I’m going to reminding the class of rule #1: it’s the fucking internet. Go do a search for the foulest damn thing you can think of, and that’ll only be the start of the horrid damnation you can find on this series of tubes… come to think of it, I wonder if they have Jesus pr0n…
Boo hoo hoo, crybabies were offended by Jeezus jokes. Go to hell all of you, together with your jeezus, allah and the rest…
Hey “me” (posted on Dec 2). Shut the fuck up! Who cares in christians make up the biggest religious population??? Does that mean they are exempt from all the jokes??? Every other religion has jokes made about them! Shut the fuck up! These are fucking hilarious! If you can’t joke about shit in life, life sucks! This makes life better!
Amen!
I think these jokes are glorious! I was in Iraq bored when one of my military buddies busts out a couple Jesus jokes, I was floored! Didnt know people went there, but i freakin love it!
People who are just sooooo offended by these jokes just need to relax, pull the stick out of their ass, and perhaps really think about who’s the bigger idiot.
The guy was full of shit, but whatever. Religious or not, these jokes are so fun and keep them coming!
oh yeah, “me,” you probably didnt get the memo yet, but santa isnt real either. Sorry.
For santa if you move the N in the middle and move it to the end you get Satan. lol
*3. What’s the difference between jesus and a picture of jesus? The picture is real.
Call the wambulance for half these naffs, people take religion way too seriously, they jokes get over it.
ok just so you know its not just a religon. its way more than that. and i know plenty of people that would want to stab you if you say something negative about your football team so why is it wrong for someone to be offended by your jokes?
So what your saying is… religion is a competitive sport.
…so what your saying is its right wen sum1 stabs someone over a crack about a football team?
these jokes are truly offensive.
Keep ‘em coming.
These messages have been approved by me… Jesus.
im not real. make fun of me all you want
Jesus doesn’t exist. My friend Matt fn loves these jokes!!! I laughed soo hard. GREAT!!! Dead baby jokes are pretty bad to and I was just reading some forums over them, lotsa people, im guessing, googled it and read it, then bitched about it. Why do they do that?
Jesus must be gay. He got fckn NAILED!
i thought these were fucking hilarious.
don’t read em if you’re gonna be an asshurt christian about it. pussies.
Ask me directly.
You obviously need Jesus…his perfect love, peace and joy. Nothing else compares! When you know him personally, you will be on your knees thanking him for setting you free, not mocking him. There were two men crucified on either side of Jesus – which one are you? One mocked him; no promise of heaven for him (meaning eternal torment in hell). The other said, “Jesus, remember me when you come into your kingdom.” Jesus replied, “Today you will be with me in paradise.” He knew this man had a repentent heart and humbly recognized Jesus’ deity, and was rewarded.
Thank you Lord Jesus for making a way to heaven by your ultimate sacrifice and victory, giving us hope and strength. Please forgive our sins. Live in our hearts, and may your perfect will be done. May we give you honor and glory each day of these lives you’ve granted us, through our words and actions. Help us to live each day for you, until we are called home to be with you forever in heaven. Amen.
Hun, all of this you speak of was just a fairy tail to make you feel better… Why didn’t you mention all of the other stuff from the bible? like Incest, moses trying to sacrafice his child and all that other BS.. The bible obviously contradicts itself. Don’t skip pages.. read the whole thing..
Give it a rest, preachin’ mofo’s use every chance they get to spread their bullshit.
There’s no Jesus dipshit, you have a mental virus, seek help at once.
If God does exist, he is a giant douche and can lick my sweaty left nut, LOL
Why can jesus walk on water??
Because shit floats
Why did jesus walk on water?
– Because shit floats
Why didn’t jesus wear a tie?
– Because he didn’t fucking exist
Lu,
What a buzzkill you are! How disappointed you’re going to be when you find out dead means dead and you should have laughed at the jokes!
i do really believe,that jesus,would laugh at a funny joke, at his own expence, even a rure one.well i would, but some of that stuff was just not funny,and what side of the bed did jim get out, i ask ya.
And whats all the non jesusie people doing on here.
so whats the last thing jesus said on the cross, saye me an easter egg ill be back on sunday.
woops save me an easter egg I”ll be back on sunday.
lol ppl are funny i read so much BS lookin for the jokes ppl that are saying jesus wasn’t real you don’t know what u are talkin about he was an actual person. whether he was actually the son of god who am i to say im not religious but dont hate on believers maybe you need somethin to make you feel better.yea thats it but ppl shouldnt post if they dont have a joke to go with it
Why do all the girls want jesus?
Cause he’s hung like this ( jesus pose )
People who go on here and then bitch and moan about these jokes are fuckin retards. Its like someone joining the army and then complaining they have to go to war. You knew what you were in for dipshits we don’t show up at church and complain its to religious. On that note no jesus didn’t exist. The entire story of jesus has been told from virgin birth, his baptism, being betrayed, to being crucified and dead for three days. Horus same thing as mithra, attus analogues to krishna, jesus different name same story all based on ancient egyptian allegory
YOU SHOULD NOT MAKE FUN OF THE SAVIOR OF THE WHOLE WORLD. IT’S BAD. YOU DON’T KNOW ABOUT THE SERIOUSNESS OF GOD.
Savior of the whole world? I didnt read one Bill Gates joke on this whole page.
i once fucked jesus in the ass.
waaaaaaah! stop crying about jesus jokes. are you offended by east bunny jokes too?
man walks into a bar and see’s a guy dressed like jesus. curious, he pulls up a barstool and next to him and ordered a drink. he turns to the jesus dude and says to him, hey if you are who i think you are then why dont you heal that old crippled man sitting in the corner, the jesus dude waves his hand in the air and then the guy noticed that the old man was up and going strong. as jesus turned to look at the guy, he jumps back out of his stool and says, hey dude, dont touch me…i get disability.
man dies and goes to hell. upon arrival he is met by this really hot chick in a fine ride. they jump in and drive down to downtown hell to have a few drinks. while sitting on the patio, he notices in the distance a plume of smoke rising up from the ground. he asks his guide what that is and she says forget about it. more curious now he insists so she drives him over to see. when they get to the smoke he sees it is a pit of fire with burning bodies and hears screams and it is terrible. he asked his guide what is it and she tells him…its the christians, they prefer it that way.
a rabbi, buddist monk and a priest walk into a bar. the bartender turns to them and says….is this a joke.
why did jesus turn water into wine?…….Cause jack daniels wasn’t born yet.
i saw this on a tee shirt in amsterdam. jesus was smoking a joint and in the background you could see all the apostles. the caption on the shirt said…now i know why their following me.
Here are some of the horrible things that my Christian faith has taught me:
Serving the poor
Not judging people
Showing mercy
Repenting of my sins
Being faithful to my wife
Being a just person
Being faithful in all my dealings with people
Loving the arts, good music and all that is beautiful and true
What has your atheism taught you?
“Atheism is indeed the most daring of all dogmas . . . for it is the assertion of a universal negative.” GK Chesterton
Athiests just do that anyway because of morales and experience. Your argument fails.
I don’t get it. Where’s the punchline?
Actually Bill. I have all those qualities too. I just don’t fuck children.
“If there were no God, there would be no atheists.” Chesterton
Dear Atheists, What if your wrong?
By the way, I was an atheist for over 2 years. (Did my undergraduate thesis on Nietzsche.) (Have a masters from Princeton — in case you think I am dumb/uneducated).
I just got my dicked sucked by Jesus!!
Pity you can’t use the correct ‘you’re’ for your rebuttal then, Mr. I’m So Edumacated.
Jesus this, Jesus that. …guy got nailed more times than you all have.
C’mon guys! Lighten up!
Jesus died for these jokes.
What did Jesus say to St. Peter when he was nailed to the cross?
I can see your house from here
anyone got anymore jesus jokes? im loving this.
as a devoted Satanist i’d like to see some good Satan jokes to even the playing field. The christians here who dont like the jesus jokes should avoid the sin of wrath and suffer the ridicule as an test of their faith
ave Satanas! veni Satanas!
I THOUGHT THAT THIS WEBSITE WAS ABSOLUTELY HORRIBLE BUT THIS IS EXTREAMLY OFFENSIVE TO EVERY CHRISTIAN I HOPE THE PEOPLE WHO RESPONDED BADLY TO THIS WERE ASHAMED AND THAT GOD AND JESUS HELP U TO GET ONTO THE RIGHT PATH IM NOT TRYING TO MAKE YOU BE A CHRISTIAN IM JUST SAYING TO STOP YOU ALL SHOULD RESPECT JESUS FOR ALL THAT HE HAS DONE FOR YOU AND EVEYONE ELSE ON THIS EARTH!I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN ALL OF U WHO HAVE REPLIED MEANLY ABOUT JESUS AND IT IS REALLY INAPROPRIATE TO USE BAD WORDS THAT WAS ATROCIOUS BY THE WAY THIS IS COMING FROM AN ALMOST TEENAGER NOT A GROWN UP.I AM JUST SSSSSSSSSSSSSSOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO DISAPOINTED THAT SOME OF YOU WOULD MAKE SUCH RUDE COMMENTS ABOUT OUR SAVIOR BY THE WAY NONE OF THESE JOKES ARE EVEN A TAD BIT FUNNY AND ALL OF THE PEOPLE WHO REPLIED BADLY ARE COMPLETE AND TOTAL JERKS I HOPE YOU ARE PROUD OF YOURSELF!:(
dumb slut^^
Honey, Do your parents know you’re searching for Jesus jokes on the internet? There are some pretty grown-up words on this site. Maybe you should check with them first.
Why was Jesus embarrassed after the soccer game?
Because he got crossed up.
Some of these are great but the dude did exist, he just wasn’t, well, magic.
Sick fuck, its not funny, its very rude pics!!!!!!
Very offensive…. I cannot believe someone has the nerve to slap God in the face after he voluntarily was crucified for your sins.
I can only imagine how you treat your mother if you treat a King like this!
Slap God in the face.
) F*ck yeah!
My balls are so hairy.
know it,jesus loves you
although,you’re just fucking asshole
Fuck u bastards . jesus is the saviour and u fucking men and all the idiots behind this stop your nonsense and if u repeat this dirt work of yours . god will give u a worst punishment for that
This christian crap has only been around for 2000 years. It’s a new pagan cult. Talk about gods, we should be back worshipping the original gods that have been around for more than 5000 years. And all those gods got along without killing each other to convert. Unlike these new gods christians and Muslims who want everyone to workship them, every 7th day or 5/6 times a day (really insecure gods by the way). And these gods are always asking for money, are they that poor? And these gods want you to live with them, die for them and kill for them. That’s more of a cult following to me. Christians within themselves can’t even see eye to eye. Mormons, Cath, Bap, etc, etc. Same with the Muslims, Sunnis & Shittes, whatever etc. Always killing for your gods, makes it hard for the rest of world to live in peace. If you all knew dead was dead, no afterlife prize. You might take life more serious and stop the killing and hating.
Oh, I forgot to a the joke.
What do you call a man who dies, but comes back to life. Talking about eating his flesh and drinking his blood.
I would call him a zombie, Christians would call him Jesus.
Wow.. Ignorance abounds. If you are going to be an atheist, fine. But don’t just go parotting the garbage some of these “new” atheists are saying. Their arguments have been laid to rest several times but they keep using them because of there superficial value. Any historian worth the title would not possibly make the claim that Jesus existed. We have more conclusive proof of the existence of Christ than we do of Julius Ceasar, but nobody seems to notice that…. And the resurrection of Christ will never have physical, tangible, irrefutable proof; thus the debate rages on.. Point and counterpoint again and again. But aside from the “tangible” evidence, reason and logic come onto play. If Christ did not rise, where is his body? The Romans certaintly would not have moved it, because Christ said he would rise, and I’d the body were to go missing, the “delusional” followers of Christ would have assumed he had risen. The contemporaries of Christ recorded the events as they unfolded, in the new testament. If they lied, others would have known and condemned them. Several third party sources confirm the existence of Christ. Why would so many people have allowed themselves to be tortured and executed for a lie? They believes what they saw with their own eyes, and believed it enough to die for it. To ask for more proof Is unnecessary and illogical.
I’m interested as to where you get your “factual” information from. I am a historian and while someone like Jesus certainly existed so did many other ‘prophets’ from the day. As a matter of fact there were hundreds. The major split between Christianity and Judaism occured due to a disagreement on the divinity of multiple saviours. How can a group of people who believe in exactly the same god and exactly the same prophets disagree on such a fundamental idealogical level? And more conclusive proof of the existence of Christ than that of Caeser? That is one of the most deluded mis-conceptions that I have ever come across. The majority of the evidence of the existence of Jesus is derived from biblical scripture. Now I know that it is a common argument that the bible must be considered relevant as it is a historical text and was written at the time these events occurred. However that does not make it true. If that is your argument then why will you not also accept the fundamental truths of Judaism, Islam, Bhuddism, or Paganism? Why is it that recorded Greek and Roman history is ‘mythology’ whereas recorded Christian history is purely factual. Christians are notorious for blindly accepting one side of the story without giving any credence to any other notion. You say people were willing to die for something and that this should be proof enough of the existence of your god. I’ll let you think about that for a while and if you’re still struggling to see the error in logic, I hope you have a wonderful Easter.
I agree. There is little if ANY factual historical evidence to support the story of a Man named Jesus. The Son of God actually refers to the SUN in our sky and Easter is the rising of the SUN after a long winter (the season associated with death). Do you ever wonder why Easter is not on the same day every year? It’s because the day changes according to the spring equinox each year when the SUN (Jesus) if you will rises 1 degree in the Western Hemisphere. The cross that Christians boldly parade around represents the Southern Cross of the Zodiac calendar. Most biblical stories are allegorical in nature and refer to astronomical & celestial events. The bible is an amazing book and when related to astronomical and celestial events, it tends to be less about faith in things that don’t quite make sense, and more about a road map for human evolution: past, present & future). Do some research on the true meanings of the Bible and you will find that the King James version of the Bible (or derivatives of it) that are so widely regarded by many Christians today as the Word of God, was concocted as a control mechanism. It was purposely mistranslated & perverts the true meanings of a large amount of the actual Hebrew text that the accounts were derived from. Also, it is interesting to note that the Jesus Christ mythological allegory is present in many cultures before Christian times including India (Krishna) and especially in Egypt. One example that should not astound anyone who is paying attention is that the Christians still pay hommage to the Egyptian Sun God at the end of every prayer they invoke? AMEN (RA)… get it? Many of the pagan rituals used in Christian Easter ceremonies were taken from other sun worshipping cults, yet most Christians of today just accept what they are told by their overlords (priests, nuns, bishops, cardinals, popes) instead of looking into the facts of where this mythology comes from & comparing this to the real translations of the Hebrew texts. The story of Jesus is NOT about some guy. The 2nd coming is about attaining Christ Consciousness… it’s about waking up to the realization of who you really are… Not hoping someone/something else will save you/us. But hey, I still enjoy chocolate & Easter bunnies. So, let’s stop killing each other and share a laugh… for true Enlightenment = Lightening Up!
actually, the writtings in the new test. were not written at the time they were taking place. John’s test. was written just before he died, about 71 years after the supposed death of Jesus… there were more than the 4 test. the reason only these four were incorporated into the nest test. was because they were in keeping with the direction the Roman church wanted to promote about Jesus. the test.s that were not included (about 6 others) did not conform to the churches story about Jesus….. Also, one must remember that the ‘church’ was not so much a religious orginazation… it was a absolute monarchy…exactly as it is today… the last absolute monarchy in existance. It’s political…not religious. only uses religion as a means of control… as it always did when it filled the political void when the western roman empire fell.
Ahem *Any atheist worth the title would never make the claim that Christ did NOT exist.
Historical facts seem to point out that jesus most likely didn’t exist.
actually.. its scientificly proven that he did exist.. although he never had any powers, and was obviously not the son of god. also he came from israel so he would have had dark skin, hair and eyes.
OK, that just might be the dumbest thing ever said. You don’t have to believe He is God but to say he never existed? UMM We date time after the His birth. Did we all really get it wrong? But, if you believe there is no God He can’t make demands on our life so you avoid the God question. Wimpy way out my friend
I feel your jokes are crass at best and some are blasphemous. I guess you don’t believe in Jesus but there ARE MANY of us who do. I know you feel that it’s your 1st. amendment right to say or do what you want. I wonder if it was something or someone that you held in esteem and loved dearly, would you appreciate the crass or crude jokes being made.
I dont understand why you choose to believe in a person that NO ONE has ever seen, heard, or touched the only “proof” you have is the bible, you believe it because the bible says it? then why dont you believe that any of the other 5 million books ever written? why isnt Snow White your god? or Frotto or hell! why not pinocchio?
Roberta, do you know how many times i hafta listen to the “you need jesus or else you’re going to hell” speech? do you think that reading one or two jokes is comparable to people telling me that i’m going to die in hellfire the rest of my life? even if i am, at least i have a sense of humor about it!
the jokes were shit anyway.
to all you diehard christians, if you dont find these funny, then why would you go looking for or click on a page titled “top 10 favorite jesus jokes”?
I understand that every one had a right to makecomment but you did this,with the intention of getting attention. Which it shows the kind of character you are. character, AN INSECURE human being, who needs to make fun of others or create chaos tofeel accepted. I did a search for ” Monday jokes” for a school proyect. So I WAS NOT looking for “Jesus jokes”.
You 5th graders think you’re hot shit telling us 4th graders what to think. Lighten up. Has anyone told you yet about Santa Claus?
maybe you should learn how to spell. also i personally do not believe that there is a god. i belieave n facts, and i have yet to see any proof besides a book that some idiot could have written and said it was by “God”
I agree with 12th -grader, although if you are going to judge someone else’s spelling, you need to double-check yours before posting!
b-e-l-i-e-v-e.
People definitely need to lighten up a bit. Typical tight wad christians. Yea, your “god” or “king” is very powerful I’m sure. But for those of us who don’t live our lives by “the book”, we are entitled to our own opinions. If these jokes offended you then you shouldn’t have googled “offensive Jesus jokes”.
Thats not funny!
My favorite:
JESUS SAVES
(By clipping coupons and shopping wisely)
Maybe Jesus was Gay…..after all he did live amongst 12 young men… a lot younger than he was. Jesus was about 32, 33 years old, supposedly, and the deciples were: 4 of them were in their early to mid 20s , Peter about 28, and the other 7 were teenagers. two of these were about 12 or 13 years old (the twins)… so why would a 33 year old man be hanging around teenagers…. and why would they be so interested in him…maybe Jesus had a really big dick and knew how to use it!… and the Judas/Jesus story sounds more like the old ‘lover scorned’ story. Lover get his feelings hurt by his liver… becomesw angry, wants revenge, goes to police with concocted story, betrays lover, has him arrested, has remorse, but too late, justice has already taken it’s tole…scorned lover hangs himself… story is too nice & neat…. come on…Jesus was a gay prostitute… and mary M. and the virgin Mary probably were fag hags…
Bloody morons whoever wrote and made these pictures
Christianity gives us life security and health and wealth and education and easy homes and food and drinks and culture and all ease of lif so we should control ourselves from posting such ignorance as we see above