by Jacob Sprecher
I’m not really sure what to make of President Obama’s recent statement in support of same-sex marriage. Anyone that’s not 80 years old or a brain-dead hillbilly knows full well that marriage should be legalized across the sexual board, and, thusly, we should all be gleeful at the “evolution” of President Obama’s mutually shared opinion. But the timing of this change in heart reeks worse than a moldy hobo in July. President Obama’s had almost four years to come out and proclaim his support for same-sex marriage, an issue he’s always danced around, and now, six months from the election, he just happens to come out, no pun intended.
I don’t know. I believe him, I really do. It’s just shallow timing is all, and a pretty transparent campaign maneuver. He’s trying to galvanize a liberal base that’s figured out how semi-progressive he really seems to be. But nobody on that side of the coin would ever vote for Mitt Romney. Instead, they just wouldn’t vote at all. The whole issue is so ridiculous and absurd that it’s frustrating just talking about it. What was FOX News’ headline last week? “Obama Declares War On Marriage.” Yeah, cute. Actually, it’s hilarious. Bloody hilarious. The thought alone of defending marriage as some sort of eternal bond of reverence that exists exclusively between a man and a woman makes me feel like I’m watching Richard Pryor at the Latin Casino in 1974. If possible, it’s even more of a crack-up than defending the continued criminalization of marijuana. Oh, what would we do without America’s steadfast commitment to the institution of marriage? We’d probably just shrivel up and die in some sort of homoerotic heat wave. The streets would be littered with carcasses in the fetal position, all dried out and looking like apricots. Good men and women across the nation would be physically tattered from near constant fist-fucking. And think of the divorce lawyers and shotgun wedding chapels. Won’t someone please think of the divorce lawyers and shotgun wedding chapels?? Without America’s commitment to the holy institution of marriage, these people and places would be out on their asses, which in other words means dogs and cats, living together—mass hysteria!
I for one simply won’t stand for it. So without any further ado, I’d like to officially announce the grand opening of the American Institute of Marital Sanctity, of which I am the Grand Wizard. And as the Grand Wizard of the American Institute of Marital Sanctity, I hereby decree this and everyday forward a pious matrimonial holiday. But I’ll let you in on a little secret: That’s just smoke and mirrors. I don’t actually need to declare a state of matrimonial piousness, because everyone that’s ever been married in America is already matrimonially pious. Did you know that nobody in the history of America ever once cheated on their spouse? Did you know that every single athlete in the MLB, NFL, NBA and NHL calls their wife every five minutes from the road and writes them Shakespearean love sonnets between games? Did you know that beautiful white women married to millionaires twice their age never pickup Alpha male freaks at the club and then bang their brains out at the nearest Holiday Inn? Did you know that no woman every married a man for money? Did you know that prenuptial agreements don’t actually exist? Did you know that all prostitutes refuse to sleep with married men? Did you know that Elizabeth Taylor only had one husband? Did you know that not one single governor, senator or congressman has ever had sex with an intern? Did you know that John F. Kennedy and Frank Sinatra were perfect gentlemen? Did you know that diamonds are forever? Didn’t you know that? I did. And that’s why I’m the Grand Wizard of the American Institute of Marital Sanctity.