The moustache: A symbol of virility. A warning sign that you are NOT to be fucked with. A great opening to chatting with random dudes at SXSW.
“Sweet ‘stache, man.” Honestly, I make these kind of comments to random dudes when they have sweet facial hair, and it’s not out of some deep seated latent homosexuality (maybe), but out of honest appreciation of a well groomed and styled face-mane.
I’ve been working on my ‘stache for a short time, only recently moving beyond moustache 101. But I still relish getting tips from Advanced Students of the hirsute arts. Following The Death Set’s Wednesday afternoon Emo’s performance I found myself outside and close to a dude with a sweet ‘stache. “Dude, That’s A Sweet Moustache.” Instantly we were comrads in meaningful conversation. His name, of all things, was Mortimer, and Dude was rad. He gave me a few tips, which I am happy to impart upon you, dear readers.
Tip #1: Use Clubman
Mortimer’s moustache, black and full, was styled perfectly into curly tips with the aid of the fine wax from Clubman. I too use Clubman, but mine was not nearly as perfect as his, which lead me to even more sagacious advice:
Tip #2: Don’t Touch the Moustache. “As much as you can, avoid touching your moustache after you apply the wax. The oils in your fingers really mess it up.” He commented that I had a “nice work in progress,” but that I had obviously touched my moustache after styling it, hence rendering it unfurled and no longer totally sweet.
Today I took his advice, and for a minute I was, if not world class, at least notable for my curly Qs. However, soon the right side was a broom instead of a bale. Why? Drinks.
Tip #3: Never get your moustache wet. Never. Unless it’s from, uh, “intimate activities.” Sweet ‘staches sometimes bring that, and that may be the best wax of all. But coffee and alcohol will ruin your styling if you’re not careful.
No go forth, children of rad facial pursuits, and learn from Mortimer’s wisdom. Start off slow, but if you feel ready for Advanced Studies, or just an impressive array of possibilities, consult Worldbeardchampionships.com.
Men as peacocks. BEHOLD!
Try as they might, no one at SXSW comes even close to this champion. Bring it.