Joba Chamberlain of the New York Yankees is going to make his first career big league start tonight and every Yankees fan in the world is already vigorously jacking off in anticipation. He’s 22 years old, throws 97-98 consistently, and when he only has to get three outs a night to set up Mariano Rivera he is virtually un-hittable. The dude has been bad ass since breaking in to the big leagues last year, but it ain’t like he’s the second coming of Christ or something. The truth is, if either Tim Lincecum or Edinson Volquez were on the Yankees they would already have been ordained the next Cy Young or Roger Clemens or Ghandi. The hype machine that comes out of New York gets fucking OLD, and if I turn on ESPN and either the Yankees or the Red Sox are being televised one more time I’m going to turn their studios in to a fucking parking lot. There are other teams in the big leagues!!! And last I checked the Yankees haven’t won shit in almost a decade!!
So Joba Chamberlin is going to throw 85 pitches tonight to protect his golden arm and get lifted in the 5th and it’s not going to be nearly as eventful as everyone hopes it will be. He will probably do well, and every Yankees fan will be standing in line to suck the juice out of his nuts – until he gets his titties lit on fire by the Tampa Bay Devil Rays and the Texas Rangers two starts in a row and the sports media panics and asks “is Joba a failed project as a starter?” so many times it makes me want to re-paint the walls with my own brain matter.
I personally hope he throws a fastball in the 3rd inning and his entire arm flies off his body and lands mid-way between the pitchers mound and home plate. Fuck the Yankees.