Chicago Police Slay Cougar: Poor Thing Never Saw It Coming

Poor thing… Just out on the prowl for some young specimen, and the police have to corner her in an alley. And shoot her.

From AP:

Chicago police say an officer has killed a 150-pound cougar in a residential area on the city’s North Side.

Police say several residents reporting seeing the cat early Monday and the officer shot the animal in an alley.

I imagine the cougar’s sighting was a direct result of habitat loss.

For a good guide on how to recognize and make safe contact with a cougar, please consult the Bachelor Guy Guide to Milfs and Cougars:

Habitat: When not at work selling real estate or styling hair, they can often be found in clubs with names like “City Lights” and “Hot Chocolate”, listening to the sounds of Gloria Gaynor and the Pointer Sisters.

I do have some qualms with AP’s article, though:

Authorities say the cougar will be checked for any markings, chips or tags that would show if it was someone’s pet rather than a wild animal.

From The Bachelor Guy:

Wearing a few battle scars from past tussles, the cougar is all about excess. Look for lots of makeup to hide the wrinkles from years of lingering cigarette smoke and tanning bed sessions. Big hair – typically dyed either Platinum Blonde, Roof Tar Black, or Safety Cone Orange, to hide the advancing gray – and overly long, overly manicured nails, used for attracting and capturing her prey. She may also sport a new lower back tattoo (aka, the tramp stamp), or an old boob tattoo, procured in an attempt to convey her carefree sexuality and wild side.

Remember, a cougar is never your pet. You are most likely hers.

AP:

Confirmed sightings of cougars, also known as mountain lions or pumas, are rare in Illinois but authorities in the Chicago suburb of Wilmette say they received several reports of cougar sightings during the weekend.

Mountain lions are a whole other story – avoid them at all costs and DO NOT let them buy you a drink. Pumas, however, can make for a fun evening.

Tags: Chicago, cougar, cougars, habitat, illinois, milfs, police, pumas, shoot, slaying