Al Davis Is A Hideous Freak
Published on January 25, 2011 by Eric · 8 Comments
By Jake Sprecher
Did you see it? Did you see it?
Well, I’m not sure if you saw it, but on Monday the 17th of January, Al Davis, owner and withered fist of the Oakland Raiders, held what is certain to be the most bizarre and unworldly press conference in the history of sports. Now, all football fans know the lore of Al Davis; the “Just win, baby,” “glory of the Raider Nation” sis-boom-bah. By that same token, all football fans also know Al Davis to be the ultimate elderly power stroke; the decrepit Crypt Keeper reigning thunder and doom from a luxury box wheelchair, single-handedly pile-driving his team into the ground season after season by insistently operating as Dark Lord Raider, leaving Oakland the only franchise in American professional sports without a general manager.
But Monday’s antics take the cake. Forget that this event was supposedly called to introduce Hue Jackson as the Raiders new head coach; Jackson was incidental. This was Big Al’s first press conference in 16 months, and the 81-year-old New Englander did not disappoint, fumbling and mumbling his way through the proceedings like an anesthetized goat. His near nine-minute spiel on the firing of head coach Tom Cable was so protracted and confused, so painstakingly puzzled, it was as if an old man let loose from the dementia ward of a 19th century sanatorium had wandered up to the podium..
But the real story, by leaps and bounds, was his physical appearance. Al Davis sat at the press table with a face that appeared to have been trapped in a bag of diseased cats since 1954. Brandishing a forehead ripe with knotty cysts, open sores and a bleeding gash hastily held to by a dime store Band-Aid, Davis was literally something out of a horror show. In fact, when a friend first sent me links to hi-res images his face appeared so grotesque, I honestly assumed it was a well-brushed mock-up—that it couldn’t be real. But no, it was real. This man, this senile, power-tripping octogenarian, sat affront a microphone for 30 minutes with flesh rotting off his skull and tried to talk football as if it were chips and dip at Uncle Mike’s. Do you know what this means? It means that Al Davis has gone beyond every punch line, every far-flung corpse jab, and stepped into a universe of facsimile that few will ever experience. His physical relation on Monday to the living cadaver which football fans mock him as is quite possibly unparalleled in celebrity officialdom. To equal this feat, Sarah Palin would have to cut the head off a live rooster at a GOP rally; Ben Roethlisberger would have to sexually assault one of his teammates; Charlie Sheen would have to pull his penis out on The Today Show—you get the point.
Has Davis slipped so far that he’s not able to recognize blind reprehension? Or does he just not care? If the latter, Al Davis just might be the greatest man alive. If the former, he’s simply King Shit of the lunatic fringe.
Decide for yourself.
Al Davis Is A Hideous Freak,Tags: Al Davis, football, oakland raiders
Readers Comments (8)
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Real respectful to the man that created the NFL.
Your an idoit.
You’re… Well educated
He is 81 dude WTF is your problem.your probably a stressed out wanna be writer and be dead before you hit 70
horrible and biased article by someone who deserves to catch aids for such a disregard for a great man entering his twilight but still with more money- ower- and influence than you will ever have- garbage article- thats coming from a niners fan-
I am proud to be the first Non-Raider Fan to comment on this page. He may have had his time in the sun. He may have been a revolutionary. But that time has passed… and any unbiased fan can see that.
This marks the 2nd consecutive press conference where he has spent ample time RIPPING his former coach, overshadowing the hiring of another coach that will almost certainly share the same fate.
Every other football fan in the country was laughing/in complete and utter shock when they caught a glimpse of Al during this press conference. Stroke the guys ego and legacy all you want, it still can’t deny the facts.
You had to get your dig at Palin, didn’t you? The problem with you people is that you cannot do anything right because you have to take a shot at those who don’t think like you. Stick to sports, dumbass.
BTW,horrified at what Big Al has become, respectful of who he is and has done.
The Cincinnati Bengals do not have a general manager either. And Mike Brown is just as poor of an owner as Davis, only without the history and accomplishments. God how I hate you MB.