With all the buzz around Sex and the City, and how everyone kept telling me, ‘No! You’ll love it! Its amazing!‘, I wanted to shed a little light on the topic from a man’s view. Before you start, this post is totally TL;DR.
Tuesday evening started like most evenings, minus me being sober at 8pm. I quickly discovered that this was my first mistake of the evening. My girlfriend and I were strolling into the movies, half debating what to see. I was pushing for The Strangers, her for Sex and the City. Of course, me being a submissive bitch, I quickly conceded knowing that at least I might see a nipple or two.
After standing in line for popcorn for 15 minutes, we hop into the theater. I would later discover that not getting the extra large tub was my second mistake. We’ll talk more about that later. The previews were worthless; Will Smith is some shitty super hero, some robot named Wallee is apparently hilarious to the group of women to my right ( HAHAHAHA HIS NAME IS SPELLED WALL-EE!!!one!!! HAHAH!). I look down at the popcorn and realized I over salted it, and the butter was too greasy. This would be my focus for the next 3 hours.
The movie starts….
Warning: Spoiler alert after the jump!
The theme music comes on and about 40 girls in the crowd gasp as if they were never expecting it. I keep telling myself there will be boobs, trying to numb the fact that I’m going to sit through this.
This is where I enter a hallucinatory state of being, one where I cannot recall fluidity, just key moments from select points. This is the extent of my knowledge of Sex and the City, the movie:
Chick 1, Carrie, is getting married to a dude named Big… I’m pretty sure he’s well hung. Anyways, he buys them a dee-lux apartment in the sky. The redhead and her dude break up because he cheated on her because he can’t hit it any more.
My popcorn is at 3/4 the way down, and theres still a ton of butter, but not as much salt. This is the golden area of my popcorn experience. I look up and theres a boob! It’s a big one too, pretty sure it was an implant, but sure enough a big ass boob. The boob goes away, they don’t get married because of something the redhead said to the Big guy. Sexual innuendo, they go to Mexico, sexual innuendo…
The Carrie chick pops out of her funk because the hot brunette drank Mexico water (side boob in shower scene) and shit herself.
The popcorn is 1/2 the way done, and I’ve found a surprise! They actually put in 1/2 the popcorn, squirt the butter stuff on, then fill the bag up and dump more butter substitute on it. Needless to say, I was stoked. Ok, so Carrie goes and gets shoes, because to women shoes are apparently like heroin. She gets an assistant, and she gets back on track or something. YEY! Her life has meaning again! I realize I’m down to my last 1/4 of popcorn, and I start to think something isn’t right… large popcorns are supposed to last a whole 2 hours, so I ask my girlfriend how they’re planning on wrapping it up within like 30 minutes… she drops a fucking bomb on me.
“Oh, its like over 2 and 1/2 hours” she says with a smile. I enter a panic state. The walls start caving in; at first slowly but they pick up speed as time goes on. “I NEED AIR!” I scream, but alas, it was only in my head. I go back to my days of eating mushrooms and recall all knowledge of dealing with a bad trip. “Breathe…” I say to myself. I know I’m going to have to ride this one out. I regain composure, knowing all well it will eventually end… one day. The white light fades, and I’m back within my element. With that last bit of push, I look up at the screen, and it’s a gift from god: The old blond chick is watching her neighbors bone, and theres a ton of boobage. I’m back with a clear mind.
The Carrie chick apparently influences her assistant to rekindle an old love, yadda yadda yadda, apparently she told her to block all emails from the dude with the big schlong, so she opens the blocked folder and theres some letters or something. Did I mention I got a soda? Yea, I got the extra large coke, so I was pretty set there, but I was down to those half popped kernels that hurt my teeth on the popcorn side of things. I look up from the last of my snack and AHHHHH! A big schlong! Now I’m pissed because this rocking the Kobe beef, while I’m just at a New York Strip… you know, it’s fucking good, but cummon! I can’t compete with that!
The dick goes away, the old blond ditches her guy because she wants to do other dudes, the redhead gets back with her husband, I think there might have been one more boob too. The Big dude takes the brunette to the hospital because she’s pregnant… yey it’s a baby! Everyone is taken back and is in awe of how beautiful the baby is!!! I think mentioned that it looks like a peanut, and my girlfriend hits me, in the arm. I try not to rub it, but she’s a strong one and I eventually do.
The Carrie chick meets up with the Big dude, they do it in a shoe closet at their old place and get married at the court house because apparently that’s what they always wanted. Surprise! All the girls are outside the court house, and music starts playing. They cut to another scene… OMFG IT’S A GIRLS NIGHT OUT! Oh how wonderful! Everyone in the audience is taken back how these 4 ladies still take time out to get drunk and talk about nothing but sex. I’m starting to worry that the punch my girlfriend gave me will leave a welt. It did.
This movie consumed 3 hours of my life, the rest of my energy for the day and a little bit of my soul. The given review has only earned points on nudity, the brunette pooping her pants and the old blond getting a Yorkshire Terrier… I fucking love Yorkies.
Sex and the City: 1 and 3/4 stars
Large Popcorn: 4 and 1/2 stars