‘Tis The Season. My Top 10 favorite Jesus Jokes. Happy Easter Monday
Published on March 24, 2008 by spencer · 89 Comments
Happy Easter Monday everybody. To commemorate the 1,975th anniversary of Jesus’ resurrection (if you’re the type who goes for that sort of thing…) I thought I’d share my 10 favorite Jesus jokes.
1. Why do the ladies love Jesus? Dude was hung like THIS.
2. An Indian man dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates. “Yes, how can I help?” asks St Peter. “I’m here to meet Jesus,” says the Indian man. St Peter looks over his shoulder and shouts, “Jesus, your cab is here!”
3. What’s the difference between the real Jesus and a picture of Jesus? It only takes one nail to hang up the picture.
4. Jesus walks into a motel, gives the innkeeper three giant nails and asks, “Can you please put me up for the night?”
5. Did you know that after the crucification, Jesus pretty much lost his sweet tooth? The M&Ms kept falling through the holes in his hands.
6. What did Jesus say when they removed his hands from the cross? *waves arms frantically* GET THE FEET!!
7. Jesus finds a small crowd who has surrounded a young woman they believed to be a prostitute. They are preparing to stone her to death. To diffuse the situation, Jesus says: “Whoever is without sin among you, let them cast the first stone.” Suddenly, an old lady at the back of the crowd picks up a rock and scores a direct hit on the woman’s head, breaking her skull and rendering her dead on the spot. Jesus frowns and looks over at the old lady: “Do you know, Mother, sometimes you really piss me off.”
8. Why wouldn’t Jesus be good on a hockey team? He’ll get nailed to the boards. That and the illegal headgear.
9. Jesus dies and goes up to Heaven. The first thing he does is look for his father, as he has never met the man before and is curious as to what he looks like, and whether or not Jesus looks like his mother or father, etc. He looks high and low but cannot find him. He asks St. Peter “Where is my father?” But St. Peter says he doesn’t know. He asks the archangel Gabriel “Where is my father?” But Gabriel doesn’t know. He asks John the Baptist “Where is my father?” But John does not know. So he wanders Heaven, impatiently searching. Suddenly he sees out of the mist an old man coming toward him. The man is very old, with white hair, stooped over a little. “Stop!” Jesus yells. “Who are you?” “Oh, please help me, I am an old man in search of my son.” Jesus is very curious. Could this be his father? “Tell me of your son, old man.” “Oh, you would know him if you saw him. Holes in his hand where the nails used to be, he was nailed to a cross, you know…” “Father!!!!!” Screams Jesus. “Pinocchio!!!!!!!” yells the old man.
10. What did Jesus say as he was being crucified? “Ahhhhhhhhhhh…!”
Here’s a few honorable mentions. They’re visual jokes so, you know, use your imagination.
Q: How does Jesus masturbate? A: [Mime: place the palm of your hand over your groin, then move your hand away from and towards yourself, as if you were using the hole through your palm.]
Say “What’s this ???” while you hold your palm up to your mouth and make biting gestures. … Jesus biting his nails ….
How much does Jesus love you? *Spread arms and look mopey* This much.
That just gave me a huge res-erection.
To paraphrase Bill Hicks: “Yeah I said that joke a month ago and these guys come up to me. ‘hey BUDDY! I don’t think that’s funny. I’m a Christian.’
Bill Hicks shrugs. “Then forgive me…”
Tags: easter, evil, Jesus, jesus jokes, joke of the day, mouth sex, nails, offensive, sacreligious, terrible
This christian crap has only been around for 2000 years. It’s a new pagan cult. Talk about gods, we should be back worshipping the original gods that have been around for more than 5000 years. And all those gods got along without killing each other to convert. Unlike these new gods christians and Muslims who want everyone to workship them, every 7th day or 5/6 times a day (really insecure gods by the way). And these gods are always asking for money, are they that poor? And these gods want you to live with them, die for them and kill for them. That’s more of a cult following to me. Christians within themselves can’t even see eye to eye. Mormons, Cath, Bap, etc, etc. Same with the Muslims, Sunnis & Shittes, whatever etc. Always killing for your gods, makes it hard for the rest of world to live in peace. If you all knew dead was dead, no afterlife prize. You might take life more serious and stop the killing and hating.
Oh, I forgot to a the joke.
What do you call a man who dies, but comes back to life. Talking about eating his flesh and drinking his blood.
I would call him a zombie, Christians would call him Jesus.
Wow.. Ignorance abounds. If you are going to be an atheist, fine. But don’t just go parotting the garbage some of these “new” atheists are saying. Their arguments have been laid to rest several times but they keep using them because of there superficial value. Any historian worth the title would not possibly make the claim that Jesus existed. We have more conclusive proof of the existence of Christ than we do of Julius Ceasar, but nobody seems to notice that…. And the resurrection of Christ will never have physical, tangible, irrefutable proof; thus the debate rages on.. Point and counterpoint again and again. But aside from the “tangible” evidence, reason and logic come onto play. If Christ did not rise, where is his body? The Romans certaintly would not have moved it, because Christ said he would rise, and I’d the body were to go missing, the “delusional” followers of Christ would have assumed he had risen. The contemporaries of Christ recorded the events as they unfolded, in the new testament. If they lied, others would have known and condemned them. Several third party sources confirm the existence of Christ. Why would so many people have allowed themselves to be tortured and executed for a lie? They believes what they saw with their own eyes, and believed it enough to die for it. To ask for more proof Is unnecessary and illogical.
I’m interested as to where you get your “factual” information from. I am a historian and while someone like Jesus certainly existed so did many other ‘prophets’ from the day. As a matter of fact there were hundreds. The major split between Christianity and Judaism occured due to a disagreement on the divinity of multiple saviours. How can a group of people who believe in exactly the same god and exactly the same prophets disagree on such a fundamental idealogical level? And more conclusive proof of the existence of Christ than that of Caeser? That is one of the most deluded mis-conceptions that I have ever come across. The majority of the evidence of the existence of Jesus is derived from biblical scripture. Now I know that it is a common argument that the bible must be considered relevant as it is a historical text and was written at the time these events occurred. However that does not make it true. If that is your argument then why will you not also accept the fundamental truths of Judaism, Islam, Bhuddism, or Paganism? Why is it that recorded Greek and Roman history is ‘mythology’ whereas recorded Christian history is purely factual. Christians are notorious for blindly accepting one side of the story without giving any credence to any other notion. You say people were willing to die for something and that this should be proof enough of the existence of your god. I’ll let you think about that for a while and if you’re still struggling to see the error in logic, I hope you have a wonderful Easter.
I agree. There is little if ANY factual historical evidence to support the story of a Man named Jesus. The Son of God actually refers to the SUN in our sky and Easter is the rising of the SUN after a long winter (the season associated with death). Do you ever wonder why Easter is not on the same day every year? It’s because the day changes according to the spring equinox each year when the SUN (Jesus) if you will rises 1 degree in the Western Hemisphere. The cross that Christians boldly parade around represents the Southern Cross of the Zodiac calendar. Most biblical stories are allegorical in nature and refer to astronomical & celestial events. The bible is an amazing book and when related to astronomical and celestial events, it tends to be less about faith in things that don’t quite make sense, and more about a road map for human evolution: past, present & future). Do some research on the true meanings of the Bible and you will find that the King James version of the Bible (or derivatives of it) that are so widely regarded by many Christians today as the Word of God, was concocted as a control mechanism. It was purposely mistranslated & perverts the true meanings of a large amount of the actual Hebrew text that the accounts were derived from. Also, it is interesting to note that the Jesus Christ mythological allegory is present in many cultures before Christian times including India (Krishna) and especially in Egypt. One example that should not astound anyone who is paying attention is that the Christians still pay hommage to the Egyptian Sun God at the end of every prayer they invoke? AMEN (RA)… get it? Many of the pagan rituals used in Christian Easter ceremonies were taken from other sun worshipping cults, yet most Christians of today just accept what they are told by their overlords (priests, nuns, bishops, cardinals, popes) instead of looking into the facts of where this mythology comes from & comparing this to the real translations of the Hebrew texts. The story of Jesus is NOT about some guy. The 2nd coming is about attaining Christ Consciousness… it’s about waking up to the realization of who you really are… Not hoping someone/something else will save you/us. But hey, I still enjoy chocolate & Easter bunnies. So, let’s stop killing each other and share a laugh… for true Enlightenment = Lightening Up!
Ahem *Any atheist worth the title would never make the claim that Christ did NOT exist.
Historical facts seem to point out that jesus most likely didn’t exist.
actually.. its scientificly proven that he did exist.. although he never had any powers, and was obviously not the son of god. also he came from israel so he would have had dark skin, hair and eyes.
OK, that just might be the dumbest thing ever said. You don’t have to believe He is God but to say he never existed? UMM We date time after the His birth. Did we all really get it wrong? But, if you believe there is no God He can’t make demands on our life so you avoid the God question. Wimpy way out my friend
I feel your jokes are crass at best and some are blasphemous. I guess you don’t believe in Jesus but there ARE MANY of us who do. I know you feel that it’s your 1st. amendment right to say or do what you want. I wonder if it was something or someone that you held in esteem and loved dearly, would you appreciate the crass or crude jokes being made.
I dont understand why you choose to believe in a person that NO ONE has ever seen, heard, or touched the only “proof” you have is the bible, you believe it because the bible says it? then why dont you believe that any of the other 5 million books ever written? why isnt Snow White your god? or Frotto or hell! why not pinocchio?
the jokes were shit anyway.
to all you diehard christians, if you dont find these funny, then why would you go looking for or click on a page titled “top 10 favorite jesus jokes”?
I understand that every one had a right to makecomment but you did this,with the intention of getting attention. Which it shows the kind of character you are. character, AN INSECURE human being, who needs to make fun of others or create chaos tofeel accepted. I did a search for ” Monday jokes” for a school proyect. So I WAS NOT looking for “Jesus jokes”.
You 5th graders think you’re hot shit telling us 4th graders what to think. Lighten up. Has anyone told you yet about Santa Claus?
maybe you should learn how to spell. also i personally do not believe that there is a god. i belieave n facts, and i have yet to see any proof besides a book that some idiot could have written and said it was by “God”