‘Tis The Season. My Top 10 favorite Jesus Jokes. Happy Easter Monday
Posted on 24. Mar, 2008 by spencer in Comedy
Happy Easter Monday everybody. To commemorate the 1,975th anniversary of Jesus' resurrection (if you're the type who goes for that sort of thing...) I thought I'd share my 10 favorite Jesus jokes.
1. Why do the ladies love Jesus? Dude was hung like THIS.
2. An Indian man dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates. "Yes, how can I help?" asks St Peter. "I'm here to meet Jesus," says the Indian man. St Peter looks over his shoulder and shouts, "Jesus, your cab is here!"
3. What's the difference between the real Jesus and a picture of Jesus? It only takes one nail to hang up the picture.
4. Jesus walks into a motel, gives the innkeeper three giant nails and asks, "Can you please put me up for the night?"
5. Did you know that after the crucification, Jesus pretty much lost his sweet tooth? The M&Ms kept falling through the holes in his hands.
6. What did Jesus say when they removed his hands from the cross? *waves arms frantically* GET THE FEET!!
7. Jesus finds a small crowd who has surrounded a young woman they believed to be a prostitute. They are preparing to stone her to death. To diffuse the situation, Jesus says: "Whoever is without sin among you, let them cast the first stone." Suddenly, an old lady at the back of the crowd picks up a rock and scores a direct hit on the woman's head, breaking her skull and rendering her dead on the spot. Jesus frowns and looks over at the old lady: "Do you know, Mother, sometimes you really piss me off."
8. Why wouldn't Jesus be good on a hockey team? He'll get nailed to the boards. That and the illegal headgear.
9. Jesus dies and goes up to Heaven. The first thing he does is look for his father, as he has never met the man before and is curious as to what he looks like, and whether or not Jesus looks like his mother or father, etc. He looks high and low but cannot find him. He asks St. Peter "Where is my father?" But St. Peter says he doesn't know. He asks the archangel Gabriel "Where is my father?" But Gabriel doesn't know. He asks John the Baptist "Where is my father?" But John does not know. So he wanders Heaven, impatiently searching. Suddenly he sees out of the mist an old man coming toward him. The man is very old, with white hair, stooped over a little. "Stop!" Jesus yells. "Who are you?" "Oh, please help me, I am an old man in search of my son." Jesus is very curious. Could this be his father? "Tell me of your son, old man." "Oh, you would know him if you saw him. Holes in his hand where the nails used to be, he was nailed to a cross, you know..." "Father!!!!!" Screams Jesus. "Pinocchio!!!!!!!" yells the old man.
10. What did Jesus say as he was being crucified? "Ahhhhhhhhhhh...!"
Here's a few honorable mentions. They're visual jokes so, you know, use your imagination.
Q: How does Jesus masturbate? A: [Mime: place the palm of your hand over your groin, then move your hand away from and towards yourself, as if you were using the hole through your palm.]
Say "What's this ???" while you hold your palm up to your mouth and make biting gestures. ... Jesus biting his nails ....
How much does Jesus love you? *Spread arms and look mopey* This much.
That just gave me a huge res-erection.
To paraphrase Bill Hicks: "Yeah I said that joke a month ago and these guys come up to me. 'hey BUDDY! I don't think that's funny. I'm a Christian.'
Bill Hicks shrugs. "Then forgive me..."
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I’m Muslim and I was offended by these jokes.
You’ll love this one:
Guy goes into sex shop and asks for an inflatable doll. Assistant asks him whether he wants a Christian one or a Muslim one. Customer asks what’s the difference.
Assistant explains that you need a pump for the Christian doll, but the Muslim one blows itself up.
You’re doing it wrong.
BAD jokes, NOT cool man, very OFFENSIVE
it’s not a good idea to make fun of peoples religion, considering alot of people are christian, i dont care if you don’t believe in that kind of thing, you shouldn’t be dissing it and making stupid offensive jokes. I’m not saying you don’t have the right to your opinion, i’m just saying i really don’t like the way you do things, it shows you have no morals
religious people need to see how stupid their beliefs are.
It’s the fucking internet. Get a sense of humor.
the best one is…
Why did jesus die on the cross?
He forgot the “safe” word
little s&m joke
hahaha
Did you hear about the new business Jesus started? Its called
“Everything on sticks”.
Why did Jesus cross the road?
Because he was nailed to the chicken.
if you guys dont like jokes about me…. why the fuck did you search it, find it, and read it ????????
Cuz you’re funny, Jebus!
Some of these jokes are alright, some are downright bad and offensive.
Once again, I’m going to reminding the class of rule #1: it’s the fucking internet. Go do a search for the foulest damn thing you can think of, and that’ll only be the start of the horrid damnation you can find on this series of tubes… come to think of it, I wonder if they have Jesus pr0n…
Boo hoo hoo, crybabies were offended by Jeezus jokes. Go to hell all of you, together with your jeezus, allah and the rest…
Hey “me” (posted on Dec 2). Shut the fuck up! Who cares in christians make up the biggest religious population??? Does that mean they are exempt from all the jokes??? Every other religion has jokes made about them! Shut the fuck up! These are fucking hilarious! If you can’t joke about shit in life, life sucks! This makes life better!
Amen!
I think these jokes are glorious! I was in Iraq bored when one of my military buddies busts out a couple Jesus jokes, I was floored! Didnt know people went there, but i freakin love it!
People who are just sooooo offended by these jokes just need to relax, pull the stick out of their ass, and perhaps really think about who’s the bigger idiot.
The guy was full of shit, but whatever. Religious or not, these jokes are so fun and keep them coming!
oh yeah, “me,” you probably didnt get the memo yet, but santa isnt real either. Sorry.
*3. What’s the difference between jesus and a picture of jesus? The picture is real.
Call the wambulance for half these naffs, people take religion way too seriously, they jokes get over it.
these jokes are truly offensive.
Keep ‘em coming.
These messages have been approved by me… Jesus.
im not real. make fun of me all you want
Jesus doesn’t exist. My friend Matt fn loves these jokes!!! I laughed soo hard. GREAT!!! Dead baby jokes are pretty bad to and I was just reading some forums over them, lotsa people, im guessing, googled it and read it, then bitched about it. Why do they do that?
Jesus must be gay. He got fckn NAILED!
i thought these were fucking hilarious.
don’t read em if you’re gonna be an asshurt christian about it. pussies.
Ask me directly.
You obviously need Jesus…his perfect love, peace and joy. Nothing else compares! When you know him personally, you will be on your knees thanking him for setting you free, not mocking him. There were two men crucified on either side of Jesus – which one are you? One mocked him; no promise of heaven for him (meaning eternal torment in hell). The other said, “Jesus, remember me when you come into your kingdom.” Jesus replied, “Today you will be with me in paradise.” He knew this man had a repentent heart and humbly recognized Jesus’ deity, and was rewarded.
Thank you Lord Jesus for making a way to heaven by your ultimate sacrifice and victory, giving us hope and strength. Please forgive our sins. Live in our hearts, and may your perfect will be done. May we give you honor and glory each day of these lives you’ve granted us, through our words and actions. Help us to live each day for you, until we are called home to be with you forever in heaven. Amen.
Hun, all of this you speak of was just a fairy tail to make you feel better… Why didn’t you mention all of the other stuff from the bible? like Incest, moses trying to sacrafice his child and all that other BS.. The bible obviously contradicts itself. Don’t skip pages.. read the whole thing..
Why can jesus walk on water??
Because shit floats
Why did jesus walk on water?
– Because shit floats
Why didn’t jesus wear a tie?
– Because he didn’t fucking exist
Lu,
What a buzzkill you are! How disappointed you’re going to be when you find out dead means dead and you should have laughed at the jokes!