The thing about voting, is that it ranks on my priority list somewhere between looking for worms in my cat’s ass and staring at the wall. Its not like I don’t appreciate the opportunity to be a part of the democratic process. Actually, I kind of don’t. Voting is like joining the Army. You don’t have to because some one else who cares way more about it always will. And besides, what do I know about anything anyway? For example, Proposition 92 on this year’s ballot â€œestablishes independent community college districts and Board of Governors. Requires minimum funding for schools and community colleges to be calculated separately and blah, blah, blah.â€ What the fuck do I know about funding for schools and community colleges? Don’t we pay people to know about this kind of shit already? And I actually graduated from college, unlike the majority of dumbfucks who will probably actually vote one way or another on this proposition. Why would I waste my time making a studied, factual based decision on something like this, when I know that the votes of 34,534,459 ignorant pieces of shit are going to count just as much as mine? People who vote are like the people who write letters to the newspaper. If they knew shit about anything they’d either be writing for the newspaper already, or too busy actually doing something worthwhile to bother pissing in the wind by penning a letter destined to be read only by all the other bored people on the outside looking in on the world of influence. Voting is like trying to go to Sears and pick out some really cool clothes: you know, and I know, that they don’t sell that shit at Sears. Anyone I’d actually wanna vote for wouldn’t be allowed within 50 feet of a ballot, even in California. And propositions? Wigga please. Voting yes or no on a proposition in like voting yes or no on whether the sun is gonna come up tomorrow. You think that some shit that enough people with enough money want bad enough is gonna be derailed by a bunch of powerless middle class folks using the Power of the Vote? Hell no. I guess its pretty cliche, to be the apathetic middle-class white male twenty-something. Maybe if I was a woman, or a minority, or someone who had pulled themselves up from the depths of poverty by the power of sheer will and determination I might be a little more excited about trying to change the world one vote at a time. But as far I’m concerned the world is pretty much fucked no matter what anyway so who cares? We could have a handicapped, black, female Green Party president and we’d still be doing the same stupid shit, all the while cutting down forests worth of trees to make the paper on which to print up 100 million meaningless ballots every year so people can feel the warm placation of “deciding” to agree or disagree with what those with real influence have already determined will happen.
And the best part of all this? The absolute 100% certainty that a bunch of people will make sure to tell me how stupid I am for not voting, that it’s people like me â€œwho let George W. Bush become president.â€ Actually, its the fucking millions of dumbshit Americans who voted for his ass who let him become president. And if I’m so stupid, why would you want me to vote anyway? If I’m such an idiot, shouldn’t you be glad that I’m not deciding your laws, your leaders? If all the people I thought were stupid didn’t vote, I might actually do it, because there’d be about 5 voters, total. And they’d all vote for me as President of The Universe because I win at life. So before you get all hot under the collar, take a moment to realize how much stupider you are than me, then write me a letter thanking me for providing you such insight, free of charge. Then vote for me, as a write-in candidate. You’re Welcome.